Original Reddit post

I’m currently in that “awkward stage” that used to define adolescence. I am using the term “used to” because a lot of teens skip this stage nowadays—looking fully mature and seeking experiences beyond and all. However I’m no longer a preteen. In a few months I’ll be 18 already. I consider myself being in that stage due to several factors. First my physical appearance. I have quite a soft jawline that has very slowly developed over the years, coupled with cheeks that are fuller than guys my age. I’m very baby faced and look 14-15 instead of my actual age. My hair is in a state of mess, ive spent so many years having a very messy fringe. I have a middle part now that ive had for a few months, which i say suits me better. But I’m not stylish with it, it’s still frizzled a bit even when I try to style it. My face hasn’t matured yet, not even a late teen matured kind like a lot of guys in my class have. I also have a slim frame with narrow shoulders, coupled by a “skinny fat” physique. I have a normal BMI though. And as for fashion, I don’t have the kind of money to buy my own clothes. My parents usually buy my clothes for me, sometimes I get to choose, sometimes they just randomly appear in my closet. And a lot of these clothes are a little oversized as my parents believe that I’ll grow further, so they won’t have to buy clothes again and again. You can imagine those would look. But at least they let me give away some of those clothes, meaning I’ll get to have new ones, hopefully ones I pick myself. Next is physical capability. I still struggle to do a normal pushup. Unlike every other guy my age, I don’t play sports nor am I interested in it. So ive spent some time practicing using wall pushups and have recently transitioned to elevated pushups. But man, after only a couple of them, my body already gets sore, making it hard for me to move. My dad was right when he said I wouldn’t be able to handle going to the gym. But I have tried lifting weights, secretly, in the past but I’ve spent days just trying to recover from a 5 minute workout. I guess elevated pushups and 30 second planks will do for now. Another is socially. I’ve started puberty literally during the start of the pandemic. It was hard for me to make friends at that crucial point in my life as I didn’t really play video games and didn’t know, and didnt trust, spaces to make friends with. And up until now. Even before the pandemic I have always felt so disconnected from other guys. And when I was younger, my dad would literally get mad at me for it—fearing that I may become a “sissy”. I got bullied in Middle School, not the physical kind. So I distanced myself from my peers a lot. When I started High School, when I got away from those kids, I tended to keep my walls high and play safe. I have never been invited to a party, nor have I thrown one (even for my Birthdays). I spend lunch in the library and weekends watching movies on our Television or going to my local theater. Sometimes when I’m alone outside, I’d see a couple of guys my age and wonder why I’m alone. Then when they become nearer and nearer, I pull my phone and pretend to be busy with something. I’ve learnt how to talk to people now, actually been initiating a lot of stuff in class groupworks. I also recently joined extracurriculars and do talk to people there when we need to work on something. But I’m still trying to learn how to make close friends as senior year is approaching in a few months. I spend a lot of my summer midnights thinking. I have spent a lot of time being on the outside looking in. I feel as if 8th Grade was only a year ago when it would be 4 years now. It has only occured to me than I’m turning 18 soon. If I didnt know my age, if it were never revealed to me (or if I told another person everything about me), I would have assumed to be a 14 year old. I’d say to myself that it’s normal to be im this awkward stage during middle school, that I’ll soon grow into a young man who’s capable of being friended, that my shape would keep changing. But I’m no longer 14. When I was 13 I wrote everyday in my journal. Back then I had hoped that I would look back at 18 years old and laugh off the stuff I had written. However, they all still ring true and close to my heart. I still feel like a 13 year old looking up to the High Schoolers who have close friends, go out a lot, have maturing faces, in good shape, and those who look like they’re having a hell of a time. I know enough that we’re all on our own path and I do accept that. Besides the idea of me looking like I’m in my 20s at 30 intrigues me. But I do feel like this has gone on for too long now and it really stops me from doing the things I want to do. Or just discovering what I want to do. It would have been fine but I really can’t say I’m happy with the life I am living. My mom says I have grown a lot and stepped outside my comfort zone as I went on to nationwide competitions and a fairly good academic standing (though im completely unaware as to what career/degree I want). But I still really feel nothing’s changed. Awkward stage—-I guess a lot of people are either way past it due to life experiences or fully skipped it. But not all. Maybe I’m just comparing myself a lot as I havs nothing to do. That I’ve been feeding myself this idea for years as a coping method, stuck in this echo chamber. But it could just be because I’m still an adolescent and will be for longer. TLDR: I feel completely stuck in the “awkward stage” of a 14-year-old as someone who’s gonna be 18 soon. Physically, I still have a baby face, a skinny-fat frame that struggles with basic workouts, and I wear oversized clothes chosen by my parents. Socially, the combination of middle school bullying and pandemic isolation left me keeping my walls high; I still spend my weekends alone and haven’t figured out how to make close friends, despite taking small steps forward like joining extracurriculars. While I know I shouldn’t compare myself to peers who seem so much more mature and experienced, I can’t help but feel like an outsider looking in, frustrated that the exact same insecurities I journaled about at 13 still dictate my life and hold me back from being truly happy. submitted by /u/C-roll_1302

Originally posted by u/C-roll_1302 on r/AskMen