Bless me, Reddit, for I have sinned, and also potentially caused a young man to lose his job. Some context: I am a priest. I have been a priest for 22 years. I have performed three canonical exorcisms and several dozen of what I would describe as “strong pastoral interventions.” I know what I’m doing. I also, apparently, do not know what I am doing. Brother Ambrose — not his real name, he’s asked me not to use it online, yes we have discussed this at length, yes he knows what Reddit is — has been under significant spiritual duress since a retreat in Einsiedeln went badly in a way I am not at liberty to describe publicly. The short version is: something followed him home. The long version involves a consultation with the diocese that took three weeks and an email chain I will be taking to my grave. We have been making progress. Wednesday sessions, usually in the chapel. Quiet. Controlled. Liturgically appropriate. Tonight, however, Brother Ambrose called me at 21:40 in a state of acute crisis and I made the pastoral decision to accompany him on the 22:10 IR to Luzern, where his sister lives and where I calculated we could stabilize the situation before it escalated. I brought my stole, my holy water, and my breviary. I did not bring my reading glasses, which is why I am writing this post at a larger font size than God intended. What I did not adequately account for is that the entity currently contesting residency in Brother Ambrose has a pronounced aversion to the Litany of the Saints and expresses this aversion primarily through electromagnetic interference. I am not an expert in electronics. I am a priest. But I have learned, over the past six weeks, that when I reach the third invocation — Sancte Petre, ora pro nobis — phones in a roughly four-meter radius begin to behave unusually. Screens flicker. Apps crash. On one occasion a man’s AirPods connected to a 2009 Volkswagen that was parked outside the building. I thought — and I want to stress that this seemed reasonable at the time — that a moving train would distribute the interference. Like how you’re supposed to run in a zigzag from a crocodile. Spread the impact. Minimize localized damage. Reader, it did not distribute the interference. I was mid-litany, Brother Ambrose had his eyes closed and was gripping the armrest in the way I have come to recognize as progressing but not there yet , when a young conductor — very young, first-week energy, you could feel the anxiety radiating off him like a space heater — came to scan tickets. He scanned the gentleman across from us. Then he scanned Brother Ambrose’s phone. I was on Sancte Ioannes, ora pro nobis at this point. The conductor’s device showed something that was clearly not what he expected. I saw his face. I know that face. That is the face of a man whose instrument of authority has just told him something he cannot explain and he must now choose between his pride and his competence. I have seen it in confession. I have seen it in parish councils. I did not expect to see it at 22:23 on a regional express. He issued a fine. The gentleman — who had a perfectly valid ticket, I could see the SBB confirmation from my seat — accepted it with the dignity of a man who has decided to win this war through bureaucracy rather than argument. He began assembling documentation immediately. It was honestly impressive. Like watching someone prepare a court filing in real time. I considered intervening. I did not intervene. Brother Ambrose chose this moment to say, in a voice that was not entirely his own, “Sitzen bleib” , which I took as spiritual instruction to remain seated and continue the rite. We completed the litany somewhere around Thalwil. The entity retreated. Brother Ambrose fell asleep and is now at his sister’s house eating Rivella and watching the late news like a normal person. The conductor avoided our carriage for the rest of the journey. I lit a candle for him at Luzern station. Not a real candle — you can’t light candles in train stations — but I did perform a brief mental candle, which I believe still counts. If the young man from SBB is reading this: your device was not malfunctioning. You were not wrong. You were standing approximately 1.8 meters from an active minor exorcism and your technology responded accordingly. The ticket was valid. The train was correct. The amber screen was us . I am so sorry. Please contest the fine you issued. The Revenue Service Centre will side with the passenger immediately. Brunner, if you’re also reading this: your trainee is a good kid. He was just unlucky in his carriage assignment. We’ve all been there. Spiritually speaking. tldr: performed exorcism on regional train, demon interfered with SBB ticket scanner, young conductor issued fine to innocent passenger, I am asking God for forgiveness and also the Revenue Service Centre to exercise leniency. Edit: Several people have asked whether I am available for consultations. Please contact your local diocese first. I am booked through Easter. Edit 2: Brother Ambrose says to tell you he’s fine and that the Rivella is helping. submitted by /u/HiPattern
Originally posted by u/HiPattern on r/Switzerland