Original Reddit post

For context: My partner [M40] and me [F34] have been together for two years and have a wonderful relationship. He’s very attentive and kind and clearly invested, however I’m struggling with the fact that all his “serious exes” were the same type: Big blue eyes, blonde, petite, cutsie, to the point where they look so similar, I’ve mistaken one for the other. This type is also reflected in his porn preferences (we’re fairly open about these kinds of things with each other). While not deeply unattractive, I’m definitely below average for my age, and not the cute type. I know this from other people’s feedback as well as my own assessment. I have small eyes, brunette hair, and look much older than I am. He’s admitted that I’m not the person he’d usually go for, but that he loves me regardless and prefers the things we have, so he’d rather be with me. I know that he’s serious about being with me (we’ve met each others’ parents, share finances, actively taking about future plans etc) and he says that while he doesn’t feel the same “lust” for me, he does find me attractive. He also says that looks don’t matter that much to him (which, based on his previous partners’ similarities I struggle to believe) and refuses to acknowledge that he has a type (which feels like denial). He’s a very attractive man (I consider him out of my league) and gets hit on on a regular basis, so it’s not like he doesn’t have the option to be with others. I’m conventionally less attractive than him, to the point where other (usually young, very attractive) women have hit on him in front of me , but he’s incredibly supportive and self-aware and has always protected me/my ego/turned these women down in a way that made it very clear that he’s only interested in being with me (I cried a few times when this happened because no previous partner has ever stood up for me the way he has…). Our sex life is good, we probably sleep together once a day or every couple of days, but he rarely keeps the lights on or looks at my face, and sometimes it makes me feel insecure. He generally seems to struggle to look at me sometimes, even during the day-to-day. I’ve mentioned this and he insists he finds me attractive, but then this doesn’t change. Also every now and again, when we’re out, I notice him getting distracted by his “type” and it just feels awful. The other day we were watching something and I was picking something from a menu and was asking him something, he didn’t look at me, so I looked up, and of course it was someone of his type on the TV screen behind me. I joked about it and he actually got a bit defensive. It doesn’t happen often, but every time it does happen, it just sucks. I then wonder how much more fun he must’ve had with the people of his type, the way he must’ve looked at them lustfully during sex, and it just kills me. I know that’s the part I need to address in therapy (which I’m getting), but I thought I’d put it out there so you know the female side of the experience. While it makes me sad, I want to make it clear that I don’t blame my partner - I know he loves me and wants to be with me, and I think if he could change his type, he would. The reason I’m posting is because I want him to be happy, and if anything, I feel sad that he has to look at me and not see what he’d want to see; I’m worried that he puts up with my looks and I’m a “personality hire”. I also miss being looked at in a lustful way and I’m afraid of asking him to do that and him not being able to and this just making me feel worse. At the same time, I genuinely couldn’t wish for a better relationship, it’s everything that I want, it’s just this issue that is really getting to me. So I thought I’d ask: Has anyone here been in this situation? How did handle it? How did you make it work? I’m especially love to hear from men who have dated someone who wasn’t “their type” and how you made it work. submitted by /u/MyRealSelfJourney

Originally posted by u/MyRealSelfJourney on r/AskMen