Uh, lets see. Tonight I left the beginning of a toxic relationship. Just a few weeks in, and I knew it was going to be bad but just wanted to be sure I was wrong. Trust my gut next time.

But my biggest fail was last August. The gal just couldn’t keep from lying. First date “oh i love dogs, I have 1” - she had 5. “Oh, i love cooking,” all she makes is microwave meals. “Oh i love cleaning”, inch of dust in every room but the one we spent time in. On and on. The final lie, “I would move to spain in a heartbeat” and I land a role in of all places, spain. Guess who’s single? I never cared that she did or didn’t do these things, it was she lied about them.

Last official relationship ended in 2018, was 22-23 at the time, post Hurricane Maria in PR; it was a devastating time, and it affected us both, and sadly brought the worst of us, he kinda hurt one another, but it in hindsight, it taught me, healthy relationships can and will have bumps, its rather how you manage your feelings, and communicate your feelings that matters most. You can still tell your partner that you are hurting, you can in fact, learn to observe your feelings and not just do a mini-lashing out through passive-aggressive comments. Me and my partner realized this, and we realized, we were not helping each other heal, through what was STILL a gridless system, months after the storm had passed, and decided to end things in early in the new year .

In between 2018 and 2022 a lot had happened and I got traumatized by some things, but in 2022, I met someone who I hold dearly, but we never became official, and part of me still regrets that. But with them, I re-learned what healthy relationships look like, that it’s ok to let go of your fears of being judged for just feeling, instead, pay close attention to when they do get close, if there is no ulterior motive, nothing to gain, but still show interest, then you know, its not unsafe. But how do you do that when all recent memory besides a last real relationship, is being ridiculed and minimized for feeling? It’s like she thawed my heart and showed me what it’s like again. I eventually warmed up, and trauma kicked in cause, yeah, I caught feelings, and feeling pretty hard, and my lesson here is; I should have allowed myself to express more, I should be more transparent about how I feel and why I am so afraid, with someone who has done nothing but repeatedly show me, that is, in fact safe. That in genuine relationships, romantic or not, there isn’t judgement for your traumas, or wanting to build something healthy. – But before I allowed myself to admit these feelings, to myself, I also knew and wanted to go to therapy proper to heal, and I told her this, but never how I felt. It was only after I was starting to feel safe with myself, just a little, enough to confront my traumas, that some guy came in and 2 months into getting to know, asked her out. – Again, there’s a lot of what IFs, but after confessing to her either way, she put it nicely; “Don’t focus on what could’ve been instead of what could be”.

So two lessons here, Don’t let your traumas and anxieties get the best of you, much less where they would cause mishaps with others, and allow yourself to express, speak with honesty about your feelings, and don’t worry if it doesn’t work out, sometimes an experience can be a stepping stone to something greater.

Sorry for the wall of text.