So I’m Male (30) and my friend is (F) 31. Strictly platonic. We entertained the idea of dating briefly but decided better as friends. she was my sisters friend first, and over the last 2 years has become mine too. But nothing romantic or feelings going on, on either side here. Basically we got into really ugly disagreement over text yesterday. and then at dinner tonight and I truly want the female perspective and to help me understand if I am in the wrong or if she is. I’ll try to explain. Over the last few weeks, she has been going on a lot of dates with guys from tinder or hinge and chatting with them online. We talk about this together. I’m supportive and happy she’s putting herself out there and when she tells me one was a good date or a bust, I listen. She was sending me a bunch of dating app screenshots and kind of venting, and I was giving more neutral/agreeable responses, but slowly kinda starting to say less… because it became like many times a day, but she’s sharing her life - fair enough. But it slowly started to morph really into man hating stuff. “God so many weirdos out there.” “Check out this loser” “I’m doomed” “omggg cringe, are men clueless?” Kinda stuff, nothing too crazy at first, but I was starting to get irritated. Like I’m a guy, obviously I don’t wanna sit around bashing men. Like read the room and know your audience. You know? I wouldn’t talk shit about women to that degree and expect her to pile on? That’s kinda common sense, no? So she sent me one yesterday, the screenshot was of a guys message to her basically saying “hey I just wanted to be upfront about my situation, I live at home with my parents and had to help them take care of my grandparents because I missed them too and not sure how long they have to live just wanted to be upfront about my situation” etc etc she followed up with a message to me saying “this is only the second message I got from this guy” and “I’m fucking doomed” probably expecting me to pile on and make fun of this guy. But I didn’t. I felt bad for the guy and while I agreed that that’s a lot of info to spill in a second message, I commented back to her that I think that’s kinda mean, he’s just trying to be upfront and I think that’s admirable. Then you can decide if you’re interested or not. Kinda a fair play on his part. because I’m not really comfortable piling onto that kind of stuff. And like…. If you’re coming to me to ask my opinion, I’m gonna be honest. I didn’t think that was kind of her. And I also don’t enjoy hopping on the man-hating bandwagon with something as innocent as that. I said “honestly I’m not really interested in hearing about any more of your dating stuff, go tell your girlfriends.” Also, Directly before this message she was complaining to me how the ladies at her local nail salon “hate to see her coming” because she makes them “do my nails again and again until they get it right”. “They’re so lazy.” Etc. She’s self diagnosed OCD. And she usually does exhibit a very “princess” type behaviour. She thinks it’s cute. And honestly sometimes it’s fine and a joke but many times, it just puts a bad taste it my mouth, and this time in particular it made her look superficial and rude. and so I said that, I told her that’s not a good look. Cut and dry yes, but like… don’t be rude to service people. There’s nothing I hate more. So that didn’t help my overall feeling of her in these moments. I told her what I thought and I was blunt. But we generally do have that kind of friendship where we can say what we really think and I would think she’d know me well enough at this point to know I’m not gonna tell her what she wants to hear 100% of the time just to be agreeable. I thought she was being rude, so I told her. She told me I didn’t understand the context or the female experience (which is even more reason to tell your GIRLS and not me, lol) and that it was cringe to her because it was the first message she got and also the nail thing was “just a joke” but like… idk, I stand by what I said. From there it kind of escalated. But fizzled. Then comes the dinner out. At dinner we tried to talk it out, and I stood by what I said but also acknowledged I might not have had full context and said sorry for that. She took it as me attacking her character, which wasn’t my intention at all, but If I see snobby behaviour and call it snobby, isn’t that just accurate, not mean? My delivery was blunt, but not cruel. I actually told her it caught me off guard because I see her as a kind person. And that it simply wasn’t a good look or a trait I appreciate in a friend. The conversation kept going in circles. I felt like anytime I tried to explain my perspective, she would reframe it, analyze me, or say my delivery is “never right, with these things” which I think is unfair. She also loves to diagnose me with all sorts of psychology buzzwords and comes after me about “my communication styles” and how I’m not as “emotionally regulated as her” and I find it extremely patronizing. I’m an intelligent guy and just because I don’t agree with her, doesn’t mean I’m not emotionally intelligent or that her armchair diagnosis of me is correct. She lords it over me and acts like nobody is as regulated as her. While also wearing her ADHD and OCD like a badge of honour. She calls everyone else irrational, yet she often acts much more so. It just makes the person on the other end feel really small because she “knows better”. It’s hard to explain. I’ll admit I got frustrated and raised my voice a bit, which I shouldn’t have done, especially in public. But I didn’t swear, call her any awful names, or anything like that. I called out behaviour that I found unsavoury, though, yes. And I did use the word superficial and high maintenance. But I was kind at first, and then she drives you NUTS so you look angry and she looks fine. she just doesn’t listen and then hits you back with insults but she just says it in a calm way so you look like the irrational crazy one. I pushed back on what she was saying about me because it’s not a fair characterization. I did tell her she was being a certain way the day before BASED OFF OF WHAT SHE WAS SAYING AND WHAT SHE SHOWS ME. I don’t think that’s wrong. Overall, I feel like I was just being honest and setting a boundary with the shit talking abt men, but it turned into something way bigger and I left feeling pretty misunderstood. And both of us were upset. Am I the asshole? I absolutely think there are better ways I could have handled some of it, but in general, I think I stick by what I said. I also apologized for one or two things and she apologized for nothing. Any thoughts? I don’t really need advice on what to do next, I want more perspective and just opinions based on what happened, I’d really appreciate women chiming in here if you’re here too. Thanks! submitted by /u/LeoJ2550x
Originally posted by u/LeoJ2550x on r/AskMen
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