I’m going to try to keep this short because I could share a lot of examples of how this shows up. Essentially, I think it comes down to a core issue, with our communication when it comes to conflicts. Naturally, in any relationship there are issues every now and then. Most of the time when I (31f) want to communicate to my partner (30m) that something is bothering or concerning me, he immediately shuts down or reacts defensively. The conversation becomes very circular and unproductive, I often end up in a position where I need to defend myself because he starts turning it into a tit for tat, or he acts as if my thoughts are completely unreasonable. He has had a tough life and I know he has a lot on his plate but he always uses that to shut down my concerns and imply I couldn’t possibly understand because he has it so much worse. While I’m not always perfect at it, I do generally try to use assertive communication, ,I statements, exploring things with curiosity and as a team. Every now and then he is able to come back and say that he understands where I was coming from but that’s typically only if the conversation escalates to the point where I get really frustrated and emotional. I feel like his ego gets in the way and leads to a wanting to be right situation. It’s to the point sometimes I just keep things to myself to avoid the conflict or question if I’m being crazy. I still have my stuff of course but in general I’ve done a lot of work on myself, I’m in therapy, I do a lot of self-reflection and I do take in feedback even if I initially feel defensive. He has not done any kind of therapy and seems to feel threatened by any kind of feedback or self-reflection. This keeps coming up over and over again and I worry about how we’ll be able to address major issues. I would love to hear from women who have had similar experiences, or men that have maybe dealt with something similar, that could give me some advice about how to approach this. The only thing I can think of is maybe couples therapy would be helpful. I don’t know if there’s something I’m missing, but I feel like I’ve tried everything to address the way that I communicate and to work on my own stuff. submitted by /u/dreamingofdaisies
Originally posted by u/dreamingofdaisies on r/AskMen
Sounds like you caught yourself a narcissist. That word gets thrown around a lot, I know, but in this case, it’s checking like 10/15 boxes. I’ve heard this situation described in detail by women/men in relationships and with friends. I know and I’ve been in a couple similar situations myself as the partner to a couple women with BPD at different times in my life. Looking back, I even had some narcissistic tendencies myself especially when in highschool relationships. Your Bf never grew up, so you are forced to play the mommy, emotionally. You have two options…
1.) Stick it out, and hope for the best. Therapy, in this case a requirement individually for you both, and couples therapy as well.
2.) Get out before you start questioning everything you know, including your own intuition.
The good news is, that makes the conversation very simple. “We go to therapy and you take it seriously, or I’m out.” I know that you aren’t supposed to give ultimatums but this is honestly the best and only solution. You don’t want to be stuck in a marriage with kids with this guy. It may not seem like life or death, right now, but with regards to your sanity and mental well being, it a ABSOLUTELY is.