Was I wrong to walk away? So for the past two years I was in a long distance on off relationship and we broke up just after the new year. It’s been a very painful process but I feel it’s important to discuss and just get off my chest. I was with someone who was a good man with compatible values and character who loved me but in the end his circumstances and financial instability meant we could not proceed with the relationship. While I have no doubt he genuinely cared about me and wanted things to be different I noticed I was carrying the emotional weight of the difficulties in our relationship and it was making me very depressed and volatile. Although he was definitely a great person a couple of things I noticed in him I didn’t appreciate were that he often avoided clarity in our relationship despite alluding to the fact he wanted a future with me and marriage. He often couldn’t succeed with plans for employment or education but insisted on me waiting for him to move to the U.K. and getting a job here so we could finally be together. While he did have plans to come to the U.K. I didn’t see any concrete plan to involve me in his future beyond that and was often suspicious that he was just using me to get here. He absolutely denied that and would work on his own scholarship applications to get to the U.K., to show me he wasn’t deceiving me and wanted to make it on his own. However, the fact that there was no timeline or even consideration for the amount of time I was investing into the relationship. There were times I gave him money and raised funds for him to get to uni. The resources, time and the fact that I’m not getting any younger as well was really upsetting me more than I cared to admit. Because of his difficulties I felt like I had nobody to turn to when things weren’t working - I couldn’t tell him how I was feeling out of guilt because he had so much going on in his life already. So I unwillingly just stayed as a crutch for him in his life expecting absolutely nothing and receiving nothing but giving absolutely everything to the relationship. He refused to offer me certainty because he couldn’t give it and we both knew that - his chance of getting to the U.K. was extremely narrow and I couldn’t move to his country of residence either. I tried to leave many times but felt emotionally hostage and aggrieved because I really did love and care for this person and believed we had a future together but all I was getting was stress from his circumstances and being told I needed to be patient and trust in God felt like he was spiritually bypassing how I was truly feeling. Ultimately anything I was going through was nothing in comparison to his hardships and I realised my life and emotions would just continue to be minimised in a relationship with him. Over time I felt that perhaps I was deserving of something better and someone who actually had their life together would help me to grow in mine. I wanted to be taken care of and actually receive some of the love and care I know I could offer. I’m ashamed to admit I couldn’t walk away from this man myself because the guilt and hope would always lead me back but when he told me he didn’t think it would work out I took my chance to leave. I restricted him on social media and blocked him on everything. It was hard to finally admit to myself I needed to live without him but I’m glad I did it because he had already taken so much out of me. I felt relief he could not longer orbit me on my socials and knowing he would never have the courage to reach out and ask for my hand in marriage made me feel like I had made the right decision. Now I’m single again it does hurt to return back to my day to day life and remind myself my perceived future was just a fantasy but I have to stick at it even though it feels like pulling teeth to be a single woman in her thirties. I know there is still a lot to live for and whenever I look at the state of the world it makes me want to protect my peace and my family even more. I suppose the only thing that’s guaranteed in life is the actual fact that we do die. I try to remind myself of this each time I’m tempted to think that my fate is just going to be lonely and miserable - at least I would be at peace knowing I tried and not resenting a partner who didn’t really want to be in a relationship with me. The thing about ambiguous relationships is that they can really drag you down and break you apart in ways you didn’t expect - all of my perceptions and ideals felt like they were being chipped away at and slowly everything I felt was true about who I was and what I wanted diminished because I was waiting for this man to grow up. I can truly say I don’t feel responsible anymore for his life because I can see he’s not the only person out there and his name may not be the one written beside mine in my destiny. I can finally give myself permission to heal and grow away from this person so I can focus on the things that bring meaning and stabilise myself instead of micro managing somebody else’s life. submitted by /u/OkVisual6047
Originally posted by u/OkVisual6047 on r/AskMen
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