I make choices that I feel “protect” the ones I love (specifically my son, who is 8, and my gf, who is 47). I push any person who I feel is a “threat” to them away. Immediately. Every time. More on this in a moment. I grew up in a real abusive household through the age of 13. My stepdad was a severe alcoholic, and would emotionally and physically abuse me and my mom. He would go into this blind rage for hours. It was horrifying. I have numerous memories of having to quickly pack things at home, and leave the house fast with my mom to stay with her at her friend’s house for a night or two. As I got older, I realized this was to get away from my stepdad. But, we would always go back, and the cycle would continue- it’s good for a moment, huge fight between them, the abuse/drinking, and then the running. Rinse, and repeat. I have two distinct, visceral moments during this time in my life: 1) I vividly remember my stepdad’s face as he was following my mom and I while we were rushing to get our things in the car to run away from him for a night or two (I was maybe 6 at this time), 2) He was in a blind, drunken- rage while my mom was at work, and kept slamming this door that divided their bedroom and the bathroom for hours in the middle of the night. I had to get my little brothers, and bring them to my bedroom as I felt I had to protect them. I was maybe 11 or 12 at the time. I told my mom about this the next morning, and towards the end of that same day, my stepdad called me a “baby” and a “puss” for telling her; 3) I forgot to do my chores (put these huge water cooler bottles out for pick-up). He saw they were still in the house, and began kicking me as I was on the ground trying to pick them up, and wouldn’t allow me to get up for what felt like forever. All this done while he was holding my youngest brother in one arm, who was 1 at the time. I was around 11. Back to me pushing everyone away who I feel is a “threat” to my son, and my gf. It is never about making sure they are “safe.” It is never about making sure they are ”protected.” Turns out it’s all about me. It’s about making sure I feel “safe” when there is a “threat;” it’s all about making sure I am “protecting” myself. Any small slight of suspicion of someone “betraying” them, I make efforts from not allowing those people in their life. I don’t allow them to make these choices on their own. I thought I was “protecting” them, but I’m just “protecting” myself. It’s not even “protection;” it’s creating this massive wall between myself and others, and pushing them far, far away. It’s gotten to the point where I am even starting to lie about the littlest things (why I am running 10 min late, or why I didn’t call someone back, for example). The end result: my friends hardly reach out, my coworkers are becoming apprehensive with talking to me (I act the same at work, too), and my gf has had it with me. I don’t blame any of them. I am currently in therapy, and have been for about a year now. I had thought I was doing better with managing my child hold trauma. But that’s it right there- I was trying to manage it this whole time. Not heal. Just… manage. It’s obvious all of what happened as a child has manifested itself within my coping mechanisms- building walls, and running; lying about little things, and in turn, crushing people’s trust in me, specifically my gf’s. These are all coping mechanisms so I don’t get hurt/allow anyone to hurt me, and so the ones I love don’t leave me. It’s all selfish. My friends have grown tired of this. They feel isolated, and are exhausted with my actions towards them. I have lost a lot of closeness with them, mainly due to me isolating myself. These are fantastic friends, and truly great, genuine people with so much love to give. We have had normal disagreements, as any friends do, but my reaction to those has again, been to isolate myself. My gf has grown tired of this. She, too, feels isolated (from my life), cannot trust me, and is beyond frustrated. She, too, is an incredible person, who is full of love, selflessness, and care for others. Because I have isolated myself from my friends, I have only introduced her to one friend since we have been together (9 months now). That has also really bothered her. Why wouldn’t it? She has met my family and son, but only one of my friends… It’s due to the feeling of shame on my end. Shame that I isolated myself from my friends. Embarrassment about this as well. Again… selfish. I got home from the store yesterday evening, and was taking a carton of a dozen eggs out of a bag. I dropped them all. Every single one broke. All over the kitchen floor. Yesterday was a really rough day, and this was a perfect moment to culminate it. As I was cleaning it up, my son says “I love you dad. You got this. You can do it. I believe in you.” I can’t keep going like this anymore. I’ve had it. I managed to all but push just about everyone away. I’ve gotten really, really good at it. People deserve to have one’s full presence and attention in their lives. People deserve to have ones they can depend on, and trust. I want to be that person again. I’m sick of living selfishly. submitted by /u/pickausername88
Originally posted by u/pickausername88 on r/AskMen