I’ll be starting therapy soon, which hopefully helps with the situation. I’m in my late twenties. For all my teenage and young adult life I’ve lusted over women. Urges to look at sexy pictures, porn, and to fantasize came to me daily and masturbation before sleeping became a ritual. I never engaged in disturbing fetishes but I did have to find more and more engaging material with time. It destroyed my psyche and I find myself always looking at women’s bodies in the street, or fantasizing over people I’ve met or never met. Currently on a year and a half relationship (our first relationship in both cases) with a woman who seriously ticks all the boxes. She’s incredibly pretty, caring, a good person, has artistic drive and is a committed teacher. However, ever since I’ve met her, my libido still went for the most part to those other fantasies. I’m unsure about if I ever loved her as much as she loved me. She could never think of someone else, and while in the act I was fully engaged, while alone my thoughts went for other people, or fantasies, or images. My family is also so proud of the situation, of finally seeing me in a relationship, and me thinking I could have a future with her, have a normal life after years of feeling alienated and weird. Thinking it would heal me. I guess I didn’t leave the luggage at the airport but it came with me on this plane. Having had ED problems with her for long periods of time while making love, the situation was really awkward and frustrating to her. She always asked me if I liked her, which I replied I did, because I really did. While in the moment I just couldn’t dissociate and enjoy knowing I was not completely faithful nor committed to her as she was to me. This made me feel alienated, and pressured to perform, and I couldn’t. This exacerbated things. Inside of me I knew if wasn’t anything physical, just psychological conditioning and obsessing over other people. I just couldn’t lie anymore, I told her I was dealing with fantasies and this made me feel guilty and that’s why I couldn’t perform. I didn’t want to lie to her anymore. She truly doesn’t deserve this. I’m her first relationship and this is what she gets, a lusty POS who doesn’t have self-control and didn’t take responsibility. It’s destroying me and I need to understand what’s going on so I know what I really feel and what’s just lust or a perverted mind, which I want to heal. I want to be the person she deserves, but know that might be past me. We had a three hour long phone call about this yesterday. I could barely sleep. We didn’t break up, not yet at least. She’s all that I have. She told me she couldn’t trust me and that “the ball is in my park”, and that I had to fix things and myself. I don’t know what to do, what to tell her next, how to proceed in general, and the feelings are uncontrollable right now. Thanks for reading and your help. submitted by /u/SeriousAlbatross7361
Originally posted by u/SeriousAlbatross7361 on r/AskMen