Original Reddit post

So back when I was in 9th grade, I used to go to this tuition center. There was a girl there who was a couple of years older than me, starting her final year of school. At that point in my life, I had literally zero interaction with girls because I went to an all-boys high school, so at first, I didn’t really think anything of her or even acknowledge her existence. But somehow we just started talking. It began completely normal, but then we started hanging out outside of tuition, like going to the local park or grabbing something to eat. I still wasn’t thinking much of it, but after a while, this heavy tension started building up between us, and honestly, we both knew it was there. I was already starting to develop really deep feelings for her. It wasn’t just about the tension; it was because she actually cared for me in a way I had never experienced from anyone else before. For the first time in my life, it felt like someone truly saw me and cared about how I was doing. She became my safe space. The one thing I realized back then is that I didn’t have to have my guard up around her. I could just be myself. then our tuition teacher planned a picnic for everyone. by the day of the trip she was basically all i could think about. on the bus ride there we ended up sitting next to each other. it was fine at first but then out of nowhere she started touching my thighs. it completely drove me crazy, i felt this huge rush through my whole body. while she was doing it i noticed she was staring at me closely, watching exactly how i’d react. I knew she liked me too. nothing really happened at the picnic itself but when we got back i finally found the courage to tell her how i felt. honestly she already knew without me saying it but i wanted to make it official, she was so happy that i actually admitted it to her. the feeling was just magical. i was so insanely in love with her. she’d bite me, give me hickeys, and scratch her nails into my body till i literally got bruises. and I liked it though, just because she was the one doing it to me. after like a year of this i went to visit my grandma’s house for a bit. i didn’t have my own phone back then so i used my moms phone and had to leave it behind with her. the very next day when i came back home my mom walked up to me and showed me a picture of her. it was a photo she had sent me on whatsapp. she used to randomly send her pictures in the middle of our texting and i loved it. right then my heart just dropped. i remembered i completely forgot to delete our texts, i realized my mom had seen everything and i knew i fucked up big time. my mom asked who she was. out of pure panic i just said “i don’t know.” my mom immediately blocked her and deleted her contact right in front of me. bcs i was so scared of my mom i chose not to try and contact her for a while, i genuinely thought pushing it would make things worse. but when i finally tried to reach out later i realized i was blocked on her end too, she probably thought i just vanished or cut her off, and i couldn’t even go see her in person to explain bcs by then she had already finished school and left the tuition center. just like that my safe space was gone. felt like somebody took the roof over my head, my life source. but it doesn’t even end there. about 5-6 months later she suddenly contacted me out of nowhere. when we spoke she talked completely normally like nothing had ever happened. to her it might have been simple but to me it was a massive deal. i wanted so badly to hold onto her this time and not lose her again, but i did anyway. after that the exact same shit happened 4 or 5 more times. she would randomly contact me every 4 to 5 months, we’d talk, and then she’d disappear again. it was absolute hell living without her, constantly trapped in this loop of her coming and going. during my last two years of school i tried to have two different relationships to move on. but deep down i knew i wasn’t over her. bcs of that neither relationship worked out. honestly being with other people just made me miss her more, and my feelings only grew stronger. its been about 4 years since this all started and im fresh out of high school now. but the truth is i still love her the exact same way i did when i was in 9th grade. just thinking about her makes my heart pound deeply and i get butterflies in my stomach. i miss her a lot. to this day i just can’t get over her. I’m miserable and need advice on how to move on. submitted by /u/Patient_Gur_4768

Originally posted by u/Patient_Gur_4768 on r/AskMen