I am writing this because I feel completely lost in every possible way, and my heart won’t stop racing. When I was around 20, I went through a very dark, deeply painful period in my life. Ever since my early childhood, my parents forced me incredibly hard to focus strictly on education and achieving high grades. Every year, on every exam, I brought home top results until I finally broke down into pieces. Severe depression hit me, and I had to take a serious amount of medication. I was prescribed medication for bipolar disorder, experienced several seizures, and became completely reliant on psychiatric drugs. During that darkest hour, I seriously tried to end my life. During that time, my absolute lifeline was an online friend. He helped me so much. For real, he was my only safe zone. We helped each other through everything. He is two years younger than me, and we had so much in common. Despite the distance and the fact that we never met in person, he knew me inside and out. He had a crush on me. For three years, we were completely inseparable. He was my best friend, and over time, he became my first love. I loved him so deeply, and honestly, a huge part of me still does. After three years of building this intense bond, when I was 20 and he was 18, I was finally ready to start a real relationship with him. He was my first love. But right after I finally said yes, everything shattered. He completely changed. We just disappeared from each other’s lives, and to this day, I still don’t know why or what happened. It has been about four years since then. Because we share a lot of mutual friends, I still occasionally see his name or icon pop up on my feed. Every single time I see him, my heart rate spikes. Over all these past years, I have constantly seen him in my dreams. My brain keeps replaying him over and over, trying to find answers I don’t have. He wasn’t a bad person; he has a genuinely kind heart, which makes the sudden abandonment hurt so much worse. What we had is gone, but it never had a proper ending or closure. A few months ago, in January, I tried to break the ice by wishing him a happy birthday. His response was polite, but completely cold. We felt like two total strangers. I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. He is so incredibly talented, and I am still so proud of him. But with all of these lingering memories, I feel so stuck. I am grieving a ghost, in love with a memory, and completely blocked out by the one person who holds the answers to my pain. submitted by /u/Lumeenary
Originally posted by u/Lumeenary on r/AskMen
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