I have a cousin (dad’s side) who is 23. She is seemingly mature and isn’t like your run of the mill genz. She met a guy on instagram that is “perfect”. I say this because this guy apparently has his life together, knows how to dress, is generous with his time and money with her, is really nice to her family, etc. In the beginning he did seem like a great guy but he is also 30 which is why they get along well. They have been dating for a little over 4 years and seem happy together. Here’s where it gets weird: I’ve been observing subtle red flags in him. For example, joking at other people’s expense but never himself. Only extending his generosity towards his girlfriend and her direct family, but not actually being generous to the rest of us like that. Sucks up to her family big time.He always talks like he knows better, even when wrong. He knows exactly what to do and say at the right moment, almost like he had rehearsed it before. But he is always trying to dominate the room he is in. He jokes about stuff that feels a bit misogynistic to me but passes it off as a joke. So when I called him out for it he got mad at me. My cousin got mad at me for “putting him in an awkward position”. This was not the first time he’s done something like that towards me and my siblings. He has never done it to her direct family, just the rest of us- my siblings and my mom’s side of family. He infantalizes us and talks like we don’t know sh*t. He is even perfect to our dad because my uncle and dad are brothers but not us. And no matter how I try to explain to my family, they think we are the problem and that I started this. A while ago I also saw him pulling on their cat’s tail just because (not super hard but enough that no sensible person would). But I’ve also seen him trying to caress him in front of everyone. My cousin says their cat is scared of him but he says he is trying to gain it’s trust which I find absurd because I’ve seen him mess with the cat. They say I’m looking for excuses to find flaws in him. It got to the point where I stopped going with them to places because it became too much for me to handle. They called me out for being difficult and making a big deal even though I told them I feel repeatedly disrespected. However, they practically raised my brother and he is attached to them so I have to go to their house because our parents don’t have time to take him. Now, they’ve gone around telling everyone I’m jealous of my cousin because she found a great guy who, according to them, is tall, rich, really nice, and good looking. They say I can’t stand her happiness and hate to see her doing better than me. The day when I found out I went home and cried because this whole time they thought I was being mean, and all I was doing was trying to protect her because I’ve been in abusive relationships and all of those men were charming at first but then their true colors came out. I have a feeling that this guy isn’t who they think he is but over time I’ve come to believe that it is just me who is being difficult because if he was a problem it would have come out by now but my mom says that it is likely he is being careful because he wants to marry my cousin to stay in the country even though he claims that he doesn’t want to ask her for it. He told us that he has enough points to get his papers but a friend of mine in a similar situation says it takes years to get that to go through so he might be securing a backup. However, there just is this gut feeling in me that doesn’t go away. A good friend says that i may have trauma from my abusive relationships (that my family does not know about so they don’t know why I get so uncomfortable around him) which might be getting triggered in his presence whether or not he is doing anything bad. The question here is: what should I look for in this person to know whether I am truly reading too much into it or he is actually a problem? If there are any questions to help determine that? Tldr: cousin’s bf is seemingly a perfect guy. I think he isn’t who everyone thinks he is. Friend says to look for signs whether it actuallt is him or my trauma speaking, idk how to tell that apart… I need to know this because if it really is my trauma then I need to work on myself and do better. P.S. please do not tell me to avoid them it is impossible right now. submitted by /u/idiotsandwichbybirth
Originally posted by u/idiotsandwichbybirth on r/AskMen