Late 20’s, going through a difficult time with my long-term partner, and I want to fix something that’s on me. When she’s upset and trying to tell me what is bothering her, I know the “right” things to do: listen to understand, don’t jump to solving, hear the need under the words. But in the moment I am unable to actually sit with the uncomfortable feelings and listen. The problem isn’t that I don’t know what to do; it’s that the moment I feel criticized, I can’t separate my frustration and emotions from the present moment. My emotions flood and I stop being able to hear her at all. Instead of listening, I get defensive, I start bringing up my own contributions and explaining my side. She ends up feeling invalidated, and then we have a blowup. Over four years this exact pattern has caused two major breakups, each lasting more than a month. It’s the exact opposite of how I want to live. I’m starting therapy tomorrow to get to the root of it, but I’m also looking for concrete, in-the-moment tactics: How do you catch the flooding early and stay regulated enough to actually listen, instead of defending yourself? How did you break this habit? What made the behavioral change stick in you / not revert to the dysregulated state going forward? Any guidance you think would be helpful submitted by /u/InterestingDrop1699
Originally posted by u/InterestingDrop1699 on r/AskMen