Recently my mother has been making extremely off hand comments towards me and it’s been messing with me a lot lately. She’d say things like “I see why nobody wants you.” And if it got me down she’d say “You’re a fucking man, men should naturally be confident.” And I’ve been reflecting on my life and childhood and I’m growing resentful because I’m realizing, a lot of the opportunities I had to develop my own sense of confidence or self esteem, she’d shut it down. Then she resents the fact that I’m a homebody that doesn’t really go out, or keeps to myself. My mom was a teen mom (then, 14) and my father (then, 18) was in the picture until I was about 2, then he went to jail for several years because he liked to rob people, and after he got released, he kinda lost interest in being my dad… Growing up, my mother and grandmother did everything in their power so I didn’t end up being like my dad. They would discourage me from fighting In school. Despite being bullied at times. I wasn’t really allowed to play outside with other kids that were too rowdy (especially other boys), unless they were related to me (and most of my relatives that were my age were girls). If I played cops and robbers, they would intervene and say I’m not allowed to be a robber (because of my fathers history), and the other boys got annoyed and didn’t include me anymore (which I now kinda understand). But they took a lot of pride in the fact that I was a quiet, mild mannered, kind young black man. They didn’t specifically put this pressure on me (I wanna make that clear) but they’d also have conversations around me about how black men are toxic, black men ain’t shit, all these men wanna be thugs, and I kinda internalized it and wanted to be the exact opposite of whatever negative stereotypes of black men were out there, so I doubled down on the kind, mild mannered, behavior (that already kinda naturally existed in me). Now that I’m older, the same qualities that they liked and encouraged in me, they hate now that I’m an adult. If my mother would make an off comment and I’d get sad about it. My grandmother would chime in and say “oh… you gonna let her punk you”… “you’re father was a real n*gga, what happened with you” My mom in particularly kinda resents my sexuality… I’m bisexual. And she’s also bisexual, I grew up watching her date women and men. One particular woman I grew a very close attachment too, shortly before they broke up. But my mom always had the stance that it’s acceptable for a woman to be bi, and it’s gross if a man is, and that he should just be gay. Her longest boyfriend before her current partner was also kinda homophobic, and he expressed disgust with gay men, but liked the fact that his girl was bi. So it kinda led to me suppressing myself and not putting myself out there romantically. And being a new dater (of women or men) is much harder, particularly because women aren’t always the biggest fans of bisexual men, and also because in your 30s because people kind of expect you to already know all the things they went through as teenagers. She’s a little more accepting of my sexuality now, but she hates the fact that I don’t really actively date… and she always belittles me and tell me I’m lame as fuck for not finding someone. I’m actually content with being alone, (I would like to have a partner, but if it never happens I’d still be at peace), but she tells me I’m lame for it. My mom is a fairly attractive woman (I don’t mean that in a weird Eodipus Complex way), and she never went more than a few months without having suitors at her door. While I don’t think I’m the ugliest man in the world, I’m a 5’6, socially awkward nerd, so I don’t have that same experience. My mom even tells me, she’s could never date short men again, even though my dad was 5’7… but then she’ll express disgust in me for not “manning up and getting somebody” The part that’s frustrating is that I know I’m a better human being than my father was. I treat women better. I don’t steal. I prioritize kindness. But it feels like they resent me for being all the things they heavily enforced in me as a youth. And worst of all I feel like I wasted my life, trying to be an ideal of a man my mother could respect, only for them not to respect me anyway… submitted by /u/Maleficent_Way6776
Originally posted by u/Maleficent_Way6776 on r/AskMen