27F. I’ve only been in one serious relationship, my ex is the only person I’ve had sex with, and I’ve only ever had bad experiences having sex with him. Sex with him never physically felt good to me and sometimes it genuinely felt gross or was painful if I wasn’t turned on enough. My ex would get annoyed/angry when I told him that I wanted to stop or that I didn’t want to do it. He would coerce me into having sex when I didn’t want to by giving me the silent treatment or even kicking me out of his apartment if I wasn’t going to sleep with him. After this happened a few times, I just started having sex with him whenever he wanted even if I didn’t want to which obviously didn’t feel good to me physically or emotionally but it kept him happy. I thought I was being a good partner by doing it. There was one time that I asked him to stop and he didn’t because he was almost finished. The first time I tried to give him a BJ (my first ever BJ) I asked him if it felt good and he told me to just stop. That comment made me feel scared to try anything in the bedroom so I would just lay there in whatever position he wanted me in and let him do what he wanted to me. I didn’t feel comfortable participating out of fear of touching him wrong. I ultimately ended things with him when I came to the realization that he was just using me for sex. We rarely went on dates, we mostly hung out at night, and he would expect sex from me most nights that we were together. That realization really hurt me at the time. That relationship ended six years ago and left me with some hang ups about sex. I’ve been abstinent since then for a few reasons which may/may not be relevant so I listed them at the end. Overall abstinence has given me great peace of mind and allowed me time and space to become the best version of myself. I’m very confident in my appearance, I work out a lot, I’m thin and have a toned body. I’m mentally and physically healthy. I’m ready to find a serious partner and I want nothing more than to be the best partner that I can be, that includes in the bedroom. I’m pretty lost as to how to be a good sexual partner to a man. Yes, I’ve had sex before but it was never good. I want to please my partner and I also want to enjoy the sex myself. When I think about having sex in the future, I fear not having enough experience to be good at it, I fear it not feeling good or being painful, I fear feeling nervous or anxious during it, I fear needing too much patience from my partner during it or needing him to walk me through it too much I want to be a good sexual partner to the right guy but I have no idea where to even begin preparing for that. Given all of this, what can I do to set myself up for a good sex life in the future? Also I would actually say that I have a pretty high libido. In resolving some health issues a few years ago, I managed to balance my hormones for the first time in my life which majorly improved my libido compared to what it was during my relationship. My reasons for abstinence are below, no need to read if not interested ——————————————————————————— I don’t want to be used for sex ever again, I want to be loved. Abstinence has definitely helped me weed out men who ultimately just want sex and don’t want a serious relationship or marriage I have a fear of getting pregnant outside of marriage and being a single mom. I’m not on birth control so I have to trust my partner to be safe and that leaves me feeling anxious during sex and not being able to mentally relax. I don’t want to have a high body count when I meet the right guy. I know that guys are into girls who haven’t slept with a million dudes. I want to be attractive in that area of my life when I meet the right person. I also think the exclusivity of sex is hot. I get turned on by the idea of saving my body for the most deserving guy. No one else gets access to my body except him. No one else gets to see me naked except him, etc. I hope it means a lot to him and makes him feel special This may be controversial but I’ve found a relationship with God since then and it’s totally changed my sense of self-worth. Not being abstinent just because the Bible says so, I’ve been abstinent since before I became Christian but due to my faith my self-worth doesn’t come from a man or the bedroom anymore submitted by /u/anonybell73
Originally posted by u/anonybell73 on r/AskMen