People often look at an attractive, confident man and assume he was simply born lucky. “He won the genetic lottery.” “Everything is easy when you look like that.” “Being tall and handsome is basically a cheat code.” Some of that is obviously true. Nobody earns their height, facial structure, natural build or childhood. People also receive very different amounts of encouragement, attention and social experience while growing up. But I have known a lot of athletes, and none of them simply woke up looking or performing the way they did. They trained constantly for tiny improvements: slightly more strength, slightly more speed and slightly better technique. What looked effortless from the outside was usually the result of years of disciplined work. That makes me wonder whether we make the same mistake with socially successful men. Maybe what looks like “natural charisma” is partly the result of thousands of conversations, early romantic experiences, positive reinforcement and mistakes made at an age when mistakes were still considered normal. By adulthood, all that practice becomes invisible. We see the finished product and call it natural talent. But I also understand that effort has limits. No matter how hard I work, I will never be tall. I do not believe I will ever be handsome, and I have struggled enough with my body to know that I am never going to resemble the fit, conventionally attractive men people picture when they talk about male desirability. I am not saying that for sympathy. I am saying it because I believe I am genuinely an ugly man, not an attractive man suffering from low confidence or someone who just needs a better haircut and a few months in the gym. That is what makes this question important to me. I’m 40 and have never held a woman’s hand. I have no romantic foundation to build on, and I’m not secretly a confident, attractive guy who simply needs to leave the house more often. At this age, how much can someone genuinely learn? Can confidence, flirting, body language, humour and romantic awareness be developed through deliberate practice, even when physical attraction is working against you? Or are these qualities mostly established through appearance, temperament, childhood experiences and the confidence that comes from being wanted early in life? Can an unattractive man learn enough social skill and charisma to become genuinely desirable? Or does self-improvement mostly help people who already possess a minimum level of physical attractiveness? I’m especially interested in hearing from men who were once considered genuinely unattractive, extremely awkward or completely unsuccessful, but noticeably changed later in life. What did you actually learn? What improved? And what never changed, no matter how hard you worked? submitted by /u/ArkhamBureaucrat
Originally posted by u/ArkhamBureaucrat on r/AskMen