I’m trying to understand a pattern in my dating life and would genuinely appreciate perspectives from men and women. I’ve had successful long-term relationships one around 10 years, another around 4, etc so once I’m actually in a relationship and there’s mutual sexual attraction, intimacy has generally been good. I’m very comfortable being affectionate and sexual once that door is open, and I’ve always cared a lot about my partner’s pleasure rather than treating sex as something centered around me. The issue seems to happen before that stage, in dating. Women consistently describe me in very positive ways: handsome, masculine/manly, kind, safe, emotionally intelligent, reliable, someone they respect and can open up to. They’ll often say there’s a strong mental and emotional connection and that they really enjoy being around me. But occasionally I’ll get some version of: “I feel everything else with you, but the physical/sexual desire isn’t as strong as I wish it was.” Sometimes they’ll say they don’t understand why, or that it’s more about where they’re at than something wrong with me. Obviously I realize that can also simply be a kind way of rejecting someone, and I don’t want to rationalize away a lack of attraction. What confuses me is that the behavior afterwards often doesn’t look like straightforward disinterest. They continue initiating contact, wanting to spend significant one on one time together, rearranging schedules to see me, suggesting future plans, introducing me to meaningful parts of their lives, etc. So I’ve started wondering whether one of my weaker areas is creating erotic tension early on. I’m naturally very good at creating safety, emotional depth, reliability and connection. What I may not naturally project as strongly in the dating stage is that more embodied, sensual, sexually confident energy the feeling some people describe as “oozing sex.” I don’t mean being overtly sexual, pushy, playing games, acting like an asshole, or trying to manufacture attraction where none exists. I’m talking about things like presence, eye contact, embodied confidence, flirtation, tension, playfulness, mystery, being comfortable with my own desire, and allowing a woman to experience me as a sexual man rather than primarily as a safe/emotionally connected man. Once mutual sexuality exists, that part of me comes out naturally. I’m wondering whether I keep it too contained until I already know it’s safe to express, which may mean women experience almost all of my relationship qualities before they experience much erotic energy. For people who understand polarity, attraction, or eroticism: How do you actually develop this in a healthy way?
- How do you become more embodied and sexually expressive without becoming performative or pressuring?
- Can someone be too weighted toward emotional safety early in dating, even if masculinity, confidence and leadership are otherwise present?
- And for women especially: have you ever really liked, admired and emotionally connected with a man, actively wanted him in your life, but still found the sexual desire wasn’t there? Did it ever grow, and if so, what changed? I’m less interested in pickup tactics and more interested in understanding what separates “this man feels amazing to be around” from “I want this man.” submitted by /u/il-liba
Originally posted by u/il-liba on r/AskMen