So when I was 16-22 years old, before I started therapy, I was extremely avoidant in dating. I wouldn’t let anyone in and couldn’t “fall in love” with anyone really or at least I wouldn’t allow myself to. Now that I’ve been in therapy for a few years, I’m finally ready to let someone in, I want love and to be vulnerable, I want to be able to be ‘soft’ with someone but I’m having such a difficult time. Previously I would keep women at an arms distance. Only do casual sex/friends with benefits. I would make this very clear to the women I was seeing for both of our sakes as I didn’t want to outright hurt them or lead them on, however I knew that their feelings would grow for me in the background whether I wanted them to or not. Eventually I would be asked the looming question of “What are we?” and at that point I knew what the situation had become and usually it would end there and then. I now want to properly date, take women on nice dates and overall treat them ‘better’, but currently that combined with me rushing the pace a bit too much for what the situation has called for i.e. treating the situation like it’s a relationship before it is warranted, makes them run. I know that you have to be somewhat vulnerable to gain a truly fulfilling and stable relationship, but when I was a bit more of a dickhead, I was rewarded for it. I know that I’ve messed up with the last 2-3 women I’ve dated as they could smell my ‘neediness’ and availability off of me from a mile away. My attachment style is quite disorganised, so when I find a woman I could see myself being in a relationship with, I become more anxiously attached. I know that if I was more avoidant, like my past self, it probably would have gone much better, hence why I’m here. I don’t fully want to revert to that level of detachment, but I really struggle not to see the value of it when I consistently push them away because of how much I want it. I’m tired honestly, I probably need a break but I’m looking for advice from people who have gone through the same. Any advice would help. submitted by /u/jp-j
Originally posted by u/jp-j on r/AskMen