I’ve been in a men’s group for a while through the ManKind Project. I took it seriously and tried to show up fully. A few months ago I was in a leadership role for the meeting. I asked that both another man and I stay quiet so other voices in the circle could be heard. Later in the meeting, that same man — someone with a senior/elder role in the group — confronted me. When I chose not to engage in the way he wanted, he exploded. Loud, aggressive, full of expletives. He told me multiple times to shut my mouth, said he didn’t feel safe, and gave me an ultimatum: either I leave or he would. The group has clear written agreements that anyone can step back from participating without being punished for it. Their ethics guidelines also talk about respect and safety. What happened didn’t match either. What hit almost as hard as the outburst itself was how the rest of the circle and the wider organization responded (or didn’t). There was very little clear accountability. Because he held a senior position, the power difference seemed to shape how the whole thing was interpreted. Instead of the group treating it as a clear break in safety, a lot of the focus shifted onto my reaction. That part felt nearly as damaging as the original incident. I’m not posting this to trash the organization. I’ve gotten real value from men’s work. But when safety agreements aren’t upheld and hierarchy softens accountability, the group stops feeling safe. What made it more complicated is that I have my own history of speaking that way to people I love — including my kids when they were younger. I hate that I did that. I’m trying to become someone they can feel safe with. Sitting in a space that kept activating the same pattern started to feel like the opposite of growth. So I left. I’m curious how other men have handled it when a men’s group stopped feeling safe — not just because of one incident, but because of how the group responded afterward. What made you decide to leave? What made you stay and try to work through it? How did you tell the difference between useful discomfort and actual harm? Still sitting with a lot of it. Edit: Updated the post to remove some insider terminology (roles, meeting structure, etc.) so it’s clearer for readers who haven’t been in these groups. submitted by /u/philphails
Originally posted by u/philphails on r/AskMen