Could do with some advice, I’ve been leaning towards just working through it. We’ve been together for 7 months, she’s a beautiful person but I’m worried I might be opening myself up to getting hurt. A few weeks ago we had a falling out because I asked for space as we’d been spending most of our time together, I went about communicating it in the wrong way and it hurt her. She ended up leaving before I got home from work and left the key I gave her behind. I managed to catch her before she fully left and she told me she doesn’t feel the same anymore (later clarified that she meant in herself not in our relationship). This whole situation scared her and she thought I was going to break things off. There was a few other parts such as her friends saying she’s making herself smaller to facilitate our relationship and that she struggles to maintain the connection in our relationship when we’re apart unless I really engage actively (which I want to try and do). This weekend just gone she came back to mine to spend time together and get us in a better place. The first night she came round she started another argument around the fact I wouldn’t give her the key back and I took the fob I gave her back as well. I was scared and it took a lot for me to give her that fob and it felt like she threw it back in my face. We moved on, then come Sunday she ends up admitting to going on my iPad and finds something I’m not proud of that I did before we knew each other. I’ve previously been in a relationship where my ex went on my phone religiously and it ended up being a key contributor to the end of our relationship. So this was a boundary I had since the start of my current relationship and she knew it. I’ve not done anything during my current one as I love her and I wouldn’t dream of it. Monday rolls around we’re chilling and I see something on her phone when she’s on it in front of me on a insta widget, I ask who’s that. She mentions it’s her guy friend (Let’s call him Freddy), she’s mentioned Freddy maybe 3/4 times, they’ve not met each other since we’ve been dating, they’ve only met a handful full of times and they were a ex talking stage (which I forgot) I didn’t know who it was that’s how little she spoke of him during our relationship. I ask to see what it is given the day before she was on my iPad going through things behind my back and I’ve been pretty insecure the last few weeks. She says she’d show me after she’s finished doing something. Eventually ends up clicking on the Chat with Freddy and it’s a reel, but in between her clicking on the chat and showing me the reel I can see the last few messages were about Friday but I had no context of time etc (she said she was seeing girl friends during the day and going out with a girl mate during the night Friday). I essentially plead with her to give me some context because my head was going west at that point while remaining calm composed etc. she ends up saying no because she doesn’t want it to be a thing and it to develop into me constantly checking her phone or asking for proof. I get more concerned and worried because I felt like it was a double standard she gets to go on my iPad behind my back but I see something that’s in plain view and ask a question about it and apparently I’m toxic and it’ll end up being toxic really trying to turn it on me and get out of it by any means necessary. She told me it was this Freddy guy, so I do something I’m not proud about but go on her followers on my phone. Find him ask, if that’s him she says yes and follow him with the intent of asking him directly. While I’m going through the motions of this she’s typing on her phone, once again not proud of it but felt backed into a wall and gaslit. I grabbed her phone out of her hands and she’s texted him saying ‘don’t reply to my bf’. I then read the chat and she’s confirming with him about meeting on Friday and the rest of the chat was deleted. Panic then ensues I’m telling her to leave, packing her stuff etc she’s saying she will call him to clear it up doesn’t answer (It’s like 2am and we’ve both drank). End up calming down a little and tell her not to leave because she was going to drive home and didn’t want her to do so. We end up chatting about it till like 5am she’s apologising while explaining that the reason she did it was because I have an issue with her having guy friends I ask her how she met him can’t remember exactly what she said but it didn’t include that they were ex talking stages. There was a previous one I didn’t like they had history I’d never met him and he seemed to want to destroy the relationship, she ended up seeing sense and agreed she was going to cut him off I never gave her an ultimatum or anything she came to that conclusion on her own. Her reasoning for not telling me about organising meeting Freddy with her friends was that she didn’t want to cause another argument after a pretty rocky few weeks and she knew how I’d react and chose not too (BTW I’ve thought about it yes I wouldn’t of been ecstatic about it but I could’ve gotten on board) and that after she gave my key back and her friends had chipped in their 20 pence she wanted to claw back some independence back and just decided she’d do it even though they knew it’d hurt me. The following day she’s saying she’ll get him to screenshot messages to prove it wasn’t anything bad she sends them and there’s not a single timestamp in sight in the SC’s so I’m finding it hard to fully believe and that she’s since deleted the chats where she asked for the screenshots because they ‘grossed’ her out. Today I’ve remembered or found out upon reflection that she said they were ex talking stages and it’s opened it back up for me and it feels morally wrong. She’s told me there was never any connection between her and Freddy and they realised pretty early it’s just platonic and that she didn’t say how she knew him when I asked because she thought I already knew and that it didn’t change anything. I was leaning towards moving past it with clear communication and boundaries but with that additional context I don’t know, I don’t want to do something stupid and ruin a good thing with a woman I love but I struggle with trust issues as it is so I don’t have a clue how I could possibly repair that. Might be over reacting, I’m not perfect. I’ve missed out a lot but that’s the core part of my issue right now from my POV. If anyone has any previous experience with something like this I’d be really appreciative of an opinion. TLDR: Girlfriend hid meeting up with a male friend that was a ex talking stage and then when I found out she gaslit me into the pearly gates of oblivion. submitted by /u/BDA140796
Originally posted by u/BDA140796 on r/AskMen
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