After a long period of being friends and yearning for one another, my boyfriend (40M) and I (30F) recently decided to give being in a relationship a shot. He is an excellent partner for me on so many levels, except… Our sex is terrible. What’s worse, he seems to be completely oblivious to this. It’s not terrible in the typical jackhammer way. Frankly, I’d take a jackhammer over our current condition any day. It’s that he has zero sensuality . I can’t figure out what turns him on. We’ll be cuddling on the couch and I’ll start kissing his neck, or grinding up against him, or literally touching his penis, and it’s just… nothing. He stays completely still. He’ll kiss me back for a second, then go back to whatever we’re doing (watching tv, chatting, etc). The only time he’s consistently horny is first thing in the morning. But even then, he waits for me to take the lead, lightly humping me while we spoon until eventually I end up putting him inside me or climbing on top of him. I know if we don’t have sex in the morning, it’s unlikely we will all day, so I really try to get into it — but this is really starting to become a chore because I’m doing like 80-90% of the work. I have sincerely tried to talk to him about this, but the conversation is getting stuck in a few key areas: 1: When I bring up that I’m struggling to connect with him sexually, he tends to go — “I think our sex is dynamite and only getting better, is it not good for you?” As a chronic people pleaser, my whole body freezes when he asks this. The last thing I want is to give an answer that makes him more in his head, which I fear will lead him to lose his erection even more frequently. So I tend to answer along the lines of “um, yes, it totally is! There are just some ways I think it could be improved” 2: He takes heart medication daily, and some internet digging has led me to wonder if it could be contributing to his lack of arousal. But I’m not sure how to bring this up with him without seeming nosy. 3: I have tried gently asking him questions about his preferences, what turns him on, his history, etc. Every time, he freezes up, shrugs, or changes the subject. Could it be that he has kinks he’s not comfortable talking about, or sexual trauma he’s never explained? He is also on the spectrum in some capacity; maybe this is a contributing factor? 4: He has never gone down on me. I’ve asked him if he’s averse to it and he’s said no, but he still never does it. He’s mentioned I can sit on his face if I want, but it’s just not something I’m ever in the mood for first thing in the morning. I am also beginning to wonder if this man has genuinely never had good/crazy/passionate sex, and is perhaps unaware of what exactly I am getting so worked up about. Is this relationship doomed? What would you recommend trying? I REALLY want to make this work, but I’m starting to lose hope. submitted by /u/Born-Ad401
Originally posted by u/Born-Ad401 on r/AskMen
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