TL;DR - Partner got very angry with me during sex twice in a very short time period. We’ve moved on but I can’t shake feeling ick about the whole thing. How do I fix this? To start with, I love my partner. Up until now I have trusted him in every way and have felt incredibly safe with him. We’ve also had very good communication from the start. We’ve been together 6 years. We don’t live together. He has a tendency to minimize any strong negative feelings he’s having until he can rationalize his way through them. I have very rarely seen him lose his temper. When we have issues we are pretty good about talking things through. We have a proper “fight” about once every year or two that we really have to sit down and work through. Recently, he’s been under a massive amount of stress and change in his work and personal life. We had a very large fight about how he felt like I wasn’t prioritizing him and feeling insecure about our relationship. A week or so later, we were being intimate. It’s not uncommon for us to engage in some rougher sex and this was one of those times. At one point he stopped, told me “I need to leave,” and then got dressed and left. He told me later he was so angry he was afraid that he was truly going to hurt me and he needed to leave right then. I had zero clue that he was mad. He wasn’t letting on at all that there was an issue. I was left sitting on my bed an emotional mess. When we talked later he said he didn’t realize he was still upset and it took him by surprise how pissed he was. It is very unlike him to hold on to something this long. Things seemed fine for the next week or so but I was feeling concerned this could happen again. Then, right before we start having sex something related to the topic of the fight came up. A few minutes later, mid-act, he all but throws me off of him super angry. He starts yelling at me and I’m really REALLY confused. He then tells me I need to leave his place. At this point he’s so mad I’m sure he’s about to end our relationship. I finally figure out that it was the earlier conversation and he doesn’t feel like I’ve done anything to try to change my behavior. I point out all the ways I’ve been putting in extra effort the last few weeks in order to try and do better. I just hadn’t been pointing it out every time hoping for a head pat. I know that if I try that he’ll think I’m just being performative. Quiet, consistent change is the only way to prove that I’m trying. He calms down, says I’m right and he’s overreacting. He walks me home. Later, he addresses all of it by saying that he’s been so upset and stressed in every other area of his life that it’s bled over to this. He’s been having a hard time compartmentalizing his feelings and he’ll try to do better. The problem is the person who has always made me feel safe feels like a ticking time bomb. It’s been at least a month now and there’s zero hint he’s still mad. I just can’t shake the feeling that this is going to come back up and I don’t know how to talk to him and not make it worse. It doubly sucks because he’s the only person I’ve been in a relationship where I’ve felt truly safe and now I’ve lost that. I’m not scared to talk to him about this - I just don’t even know the best way to start. I’m just now really processing it (life has been stupidly busy) and it feels like it’s too late. submitted by /u/Mobile_Lion_87
Originally posted by u/Mobile_Lion_87 on r/AskMen
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