Across three past relationships, I(26M)‘ve noticed a recurring pattern. I’ve been blamed for being too sensitive, not listening enough, not being romantic enough, or even for problems in my partners’ lives, such as their poor exam results. When I try to explain my perspective, I often felt unheard. I end up accepting the blame, apologizing, and promising to improve. Two of my relationships ended with my partners placing most of the blame on me and blocking me before I could express my side. What hurts most isn’t necessarily the criticism itself. I’m willing to acknowledge my mistakes. It’s the feeling of injustice and the lack of mutual accountability. I’m exhausted from feeling that my experiences and emotions aren’t equally acknowledged. I’ve always wanted to hear something like, “We both made mistakes. Let’s understand each other and work through this together.” After conflicts, I tend to take most of the responsibility and immediately try to improve myself. Since my last relationship, I have analyzed past events where I should have behaved differently. I’ve been reading books on relationships and psychology and writing to understand my emotional patterns. I’ve been working on becoming a better listener and recognizing emotions in conversations. I take notes on things I want to improve in my next relationship. But sometimes I wonder whether I’ve turned self-improvement into a list of things I must do before I’m ready to meet someone new, which causes me to have approach-avoidance conflict. I suspect my people-pleasing tendencies and anxious attachment contributed to this pattern. I don’t want to walk away because I believed mature relationships require effort, but perhaps that makes it easier for my partners to leave the responsibility to me. After conflicts which they yell at me or say bad things they block me or break up me at the end, and I feel an overwhelming urge to explain everything I’ve experienced, but all left is I listened theirs, but my opinions stuck on me alone. I’m aware that this is only my perspective. I’m open to hearing uncomfortable truths about my own behavior. I’m not looking for unconditional validation. I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced similar patterns: How can I distinguish fair accountability from excessive self-blame? How can I regulate the feeling of injustice and calm the urge to defend or explain myself? How can I recognize early on whether a potential partner values emotional maturity, mutual accountability, and working through problems together? submitted by /u/DreamEray
Originally posted by u/DreamEray on r/AskMen