Original Reddit post

I’m pretty embarrassed about what’s transpired in my life recently, but I’m going to be vulnerable and transparent here because that’s the only way I’ll really grow. I just got out of a 5 year relationship. Looking back, I really never should have even considered getting into one. I wasn’t financially stable then, and still am not now. For a while that seemed to be okay, but there was always a level of respect missing if I’m being honest. It’s not that she was downright awful, she loved who I was and there were times where she could look past the empty bank account. But to be frank, she never quite treated me right, and honestly I don’t fully blame her. It’s hard to give yourself to a guy fully when you’re the one paying for dates, bills, etc. There’s just something missing. I tried. I really did. When it was just me before the relationship, I could get by doing side gigs and job hopping. I was working an unpaid internship while pursuing my dream in hopes of securing a job there. Ultimately I got distracted and just let her become the financier. Worst decision I’ve ever made. Hands down. I lost my purpose. I got complacent and lazy. Even entitled at times. Then, as her respect for me naturally dropped and she started treating me worse and worse, I got depressed and anxious. I realized what was happening, and damn it, I tried. I found job after job, honestly giving it my all to try and flip the situation around. I failed every single time. I just couldn’t bring myself out of the fog. I’d either get fired from these jobs for poor attendance, or quit because I knew I could fall back on her. Just shameful. If I’m being honest with myself and the readers of this post, she was likely looking for an out and entertaining better options for the past 2 years. I knew, I felt it in the pit of my stomach everyday, and it was humiliating. The fact that I was working these jobs to try to keep my girlfriend from monkey branching to someone with more to offer is a big reason that I think I sabotaged all of them. It wasn’t really about my own self sufficiency, it was about trying to repair my already injured sense of dignity. It was about keeping someone that saw me as replaceable. Deep down, I knew that. I put the cart before the horse, I knowingly or unknowingly took a shortcut, and I was paying for it. I want to add that I wasn’t strictly a leeching freeloader. I invested and cared for her a lot in other ways. Got her into the doctor and dentist, got her nails and hair done, bought her gifts and gadgets, took care of the apartment, cooked her dinner almost every week, planned dates (paid when I had it), etc. I was good to her. When I had those jobs I always did what I could - I just never “took over.” It just wasn’t enough. I, wasn’t enough. 5 years was her limit. One day, she blatantly disrespected me and tried to play it off like it didn’t even happen. I’ll save the details because they’re not important. When I was discussing it with her, I could see in her eyes that she was essentially begging for me to break up with her. It’s like she was thinking, “Please, God, break up with me and relieve me of this burden so I can move on and feel how I need to. Please don’t make me be the one to do it.” She was trying to reverse-discard me. I had a moment of sudden realization that this was where it ended. I had lost her. So I gave her the break up. My point was proven when she didn’t try to fight for it even remotely. She just left our apartment after 2 days of silence, and has been staying out with “friends” since. Right… It’s not my business anyways, not anymore at least, and it’s not like her admitting the truth would make me feel any better. Still, it sucks to be lied to blatantly by someone you’ve spent 5 years with. Especially given the context. I know that she’s been sleeping with someone. She’ll pop in every now and then to see our pets, grab clothes, whatever. Her tone towards me is completely monotone, eyes are completely dead, and honestly she’s just pretty mean. I even asked her for the human decency of letting me know when she’s going to pop in. She agreed, then popped in unannounced the following night. Said she didn’t owe me anything, she owns and pays for everything (not wholly true). Lol. Respect, attraction, connection - all gone. I can blame her all I want, but she’s a woman. She doesn’t want to feel like she wears the pants and she’s doing what she’s gotta do. I’m not looking for consolation or to be told that I don’t deserve this. I do deserve it. I made a mistake, failed it to correct it within a reasonable time frame, and now I’m getting humiliated. Truth without kindness - cruelty. It’s what I needed. I am in a better headspace to stay focused on my purpose and become a self sufficient man, without the added weight and stress of a chick that’s about to kick me to the curb. Still, though. I feel like a piece of shit. A bitch. She wouldn’t have gotten with me in the first place if she didn’t think that I could do it. I know that she believed in me, and I failed her time and time again until she had no choice but to give up. How did I go 5 years without getting it together? Why did I think it was ok to put and keep her in that position? Why couldn’t I snap out of my depression and be the man that we both needed? I feel like a useless parasite. Even though her treatment towards me since the breakup has been especially cruel, and I know that I don’t deserve it to that extent, I’m really taking it to heart. I just feel like nothing. A worthless disappointment. I guess my question is - how do I move forward? How do I let go of seeking her approval as I try to succeed? (Big one - I absolutely detest seeking approval, but this injury is creating those kinds of thoughts). How do I rebuild my confidence after being reduced to inanimate crumbs by someone that I really cared for? What is the best way to look at this? TIA submitted by /u/RequirementDue4446

Originally posted by u/RequirementDue4446 on r/AskMen