I’m looking for honest advice, especially from fathers & stepfathers-who’ve seen this dynamic from the other side. I met the mother of my children in 2010. I was 19, she was 22, and she had a 3-year-old son whose biological father wasn’t involved. I stepped in and treated him as my own. We had two kids together, my daughter (14) and my son (13). We separated in 2013 because I was drinking heavily. That was on me. I got sober eight years ago and have been rebuilding my life ever since. I’ve always paid child support, always worked, always showed up financially and physically for my kids. In 2021, their mom and I decided to try again and I moved back in. What I walked into was a household with very little structure. No chores, no accountability, no boundaries. I tried to implement basic structure chores, privacy for our bedroom, encouraging sports, driver’s ed, part-time work, goal setting. Her oldest (now a senior) has never shown interest in working, planning, or doing much beyond school and gaming. Any time I tried to push responsibility, it turned into “you’re too hard on him” or “you have it out for him.” Meanwhile, I work evenings. I started noticing that when I wasn’t home, the structure disappeared. Rules were enforced when I was present, ignored when I wasn’t. That’s exhausting. The hardest part for me is my 13-year-old son. I’ve tried for years to build a deeper relationship with him. I ask about school, wrestling, life. I try to create space for him to talk. But I always get surface-level answers. Later I find out from his mom that he’s struggling with things he never tells me. Recently I found out he needed wrestling shoes and was feeling discouraged at practice. He told his mom. I didn’t know. That hurt more than I expected. I’m glad he trusts her truly, but as a father it stings to feel like the outsider. There was also a recent mental health scare with my stepson involving self-harm thoughts. I wasn’t told for several days because he didn’t want me to know & asked her not to tell me. That really shook me. I’ve been in his life for 14 years. When I eventually found out, it was only because she became overwhelmed trying to look for services to help him. Once told about it, I made calls and helped find an equine therapy program he now attends weekly. But being left out of something that serious made me question my place here. I feel like I’m financially responsible, structurally responsible, and emotionally available but not respected or included. The only relationship that feels consistently strong is with my daughter. And if I’m honest, she’s one of the main reasons I stay. I worry how she’d be treated if I wasn’t present. At the same time, I’m exhausted. I’ve considered relocating to Arizona where there’s more opportunity for me (I have trucking experience and I’m currently working on my Property & Casualty license). Cost of living is crushing me here in California. Part of me wonders if it would be healthier to just move, pay child support, and rebuild fully on my own. But I didn’t grow up with a father. I know what that absence feels like. And I don’t want to repeat that cycle. I’ve been sober 8 years. From 11 to 17 I was in and out of juvenile detention, gang affiliated, drinking by 13. I’ve worked hard to change my life. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying. So I’m asking: • Have any stepfathers or fathers experienced this kind of dynamic? • How do you build connection with a teenage son who seems emotionally closer to his mom? • Is staying in a home where you feel sidelined better than leaving but remaining consistently present from a distance? • At what point do you accept you can’t force structure in a household where the other parent won’t reinforce it? I don’t want to make an emotional decision. I want to make a wise one. Appreciate any insight . submitted by /u/Lentezdelvalley
Originally posted by u/Lentezdelvalley on r/AskMen